Well, it's been a while! I think my resolution should be to update this more often!
So far this year I've pretty much been rediscovering myself (minds out the gutter people!). I haven't felt like myself for a long time and I miss the person I was before summer.
I've been living the last few weeks in song lyrics, yes I am strange. It's amazing how much you feel a song can relate to you though, or is that just me? It has made me decide, that instead of numbering my posts, I shall now name them all after a song lyric that I feel sums up how I'm feeling at the time of writing said post. I feel this is more appropriate as my blog title itself is a song lyric.
Anyway! I thought, as it's a New Year, new start and all that jazz, I'd have a confessions blog! I tend to keep most of my emotions under lock and key and very rarely let my guard down. However, on the advice of a friend, I thought after everything that happened last year, I should open up and see if that helps me feel more like me. Whilst I probably won't be discussing a lot of what happened on here (public forum and all that) I could talk about my feelings and suchlike. More of a way of getting it out and writing it all down so feel free to ignore and wait for baking posts!
So, here goes, it will be a bit rambley as I'm writing it as it comes into my head. Apologies!
I'm a typical girl. I like to pretend I'm not to be different. I don't feel like I can be the same as other girls because I feel inferior to them. I think I need something extra to make me stand out and make people like me.
I try to be what I think people will like. I try to be "one of the lads" and be into sport and gaming and 'manly' films. I hide the parts of me I think people won't like or the parts I don't think will make them like me "in that way."
Whilst I enjoy typical "boy things" like Star Wars, LOTR and films with a lot of loud noises ("LOUD NOISES!") as much as the next guy, let's face it, if I see a spider I scream like a girl. I cry at films, I steal boys' clothes so I can feel small all wrapped up in them, I'd love if a guy bought me flowers, I love cuddles and tiny animals make me squee.
I love musicals and know all the words to Hairspray and Rent. I like little girly things and will never have enough make up.
And yes, I have my dream wedding all planned out.
I sometimes feel like I have 2 conflicting sides, my "lad" side and my girly side. I seem to think people will never accept this about me so hide who I really am from people. This usually ends up with me losing people I genuinely care about as I end up in the friend zone because they don't feel a connection. This usually ends up with me blaming myself and putting my guard up more which really just makes things worse.
Whilst, in my head, I understand why my guard is up so much (as will my few close friends), most people don't, so have no clue why I act the way I act or realise why I'm so reluctant to share details about my myself.
I've also realised I never know what to say to someone when I like them. I tend not to show the side of myself that my friends see as I worry about what said person will think. I don't ask questions or talk about personal things as I worry I'll offend the person. I almost see it as my friends are stuck with me, they signed the contract, the guy can choose to leave if he likes. Probably not the best way to look at it really as me being this way usually causes them to leave! Silly Anna. I really do just need a good shake (again people, minds OUT the gutter.)
I have more but I feel I have bored you enough for today! I've revealed a little about myself, my question to you is, do you have 2 sides? Do you feel like you are yourself all the time? Do you have one side for certain people and another side for others?
[Today's title is from the song "Imperfect" by Stone Sour.]
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