Still I have trouble with most days and nights.

Part 2: continuation from "Let me tell you the story about a boy and a girl."

We went out one day.  Jason* said something and I instantly knew he was lying (if only I'd learned that trick earlier eh?!)

As usual, it took a lot of persuasion to get him to open up and tell me what the hell was going on.  He told me he was relapsing and couldn't cope.  Lots of personal chat, tears yadda yadda etc etc.  We talked for about 3 hours.  

That day, something changed for me.  Something big.  I wanted out.  Putting the majority of my energy into our 'relationship' resulted in me having no effort left for friends or uni work.

I stuck around for another 4 months.  ("Why, Anna? WHY?" I hear you say, I'm getting there, keep reading dammit!)  It wasn't great.  Looking back now, I should have walked after summer but when someone tells you that without you they have no reason to "stick around" then it pretty much stops you in your tracks.  You feel guilty and you stay to make them happy, to stop them ending it.

Now, I'm not saying it was all awful.  We had some nice times in those 4 months.  However, it was almost always short lived.  We started constantly arguing and fighting about petty little things.  Amongst our problems we each had our own issues.  Health, uni, family etc.  I felt I needed to stick around but in all honesty, being with Jason did little for my confidence.  We would barely go out and when I stayed with him we would do nothing but watch TV and eat.  To be blunt: he barely touched me, not even to hold my hand or cuddle me.  I think that's what triggered our first big fight which then escalated. 

After 3 weeks of pretty much constant bickering (we saw each other once in that time, after my first exam) we agreed to try being friends for a week.

I'm sure you can work out the rest.  I'm single so it doesn't take a genius.

2 days into the "break" I felt better, I was happier and more relaxed and people were noticing a difference.  I didn't last the week.  The next day I'd decided to tell Jason I felt it would be better for both of us if we were just good friends.  We both had too much going on individually etc.  That's the excuse I gave him anyway.  My real reason was that I saw a chance and I took it.  I'm not proud of it.  I feel guilty about my choice every single day.  Jason's Dad had fallen ill.  His Mum couldn't cope and had to stop working.  Jason told me he felt he needed to be around for his parents as they needed him now more than ever.  Thus, he didn't need me to stick around to keep him going anymore.  Like I said, I'm not proud of it.  I left him when he needed my support most.  I'll probably never forgive myself for that.

I think that's about as condensed as I can make our story.  I apologise it's so long but a lot happened in those 8 months.

Truthfully, I don't know if I'll ever fully get over what happened.  I can only hope that I learn from this experience and take the knowledge into my future - isn't that what we do with every relationship?

I still find it difficult to trust people - including myself.  I haven't had time to properly move on yet so can't say if I'll ever trust someone they way I used to.

I also don't feel the way I used to about myself.  I have little to no confidence and don't trust my gut instinct anymore.

It will take time, as it does with any break up.  I do wish I'd walked away sooner though.  I wish it everyday. Maybe then things wouldn't have gone so tits up at Christmas/New Year - long story short (seems to be my theme of the day): right person, worst possible timing.


*Name has been changed

[Title from "Crash Land" by Twin Atlantic]

Let me tell you the story about a boy and a girl.

Apologies in advance for the length! (If your mind made that dirty then you are my kind of person.)  It's going to be in 2 parts to try and make it easier to read!


Part 1


There's a lot I could say about my last relationship but I lot I won't publicly share - this story belongs to 2 people.


I will, however, tell you my version of events whilst leaving out the most personal details.


I first met Jason* in April, shortly after my 20th birthday.  We got on straight away, we were both former chefs, liked the same music, films and silly YouTube videos. ("Oh no, I'm trapped in a ball of water!" If you understand this reference I will reward you with love and baked goods.)  We chatted back and forth for a little while before arranging to meet (in a public place, calm down people, sensible is my middle name - shut up Craig!)  We were blethering away while we waited on a train and it was all totally comfortable, I know it's cliché but, I felt like I'd known him years.  We went back to his parents' house and watched LOTR.  Well the first one and half of the second.  Sounds silly but it was just so relaxed and nice.  We joked about how the 3 movies could have been rewritten and done in 20 minutes.  He had the exact same theory as me - the giant birds, anyone? - and could already finish my sentences.  Call me foolish (and believe me, I do, everyday) but I fell pretty quickly.


We spoke most days on the phone.  Just hearing his voice made me smile.


Fast forward a few weeks, we'd been chatting, as you do, and he'd told me about his life; he'd been in a car accident and his car was in for repairs, he'd bought a flat in Edinburgh and was getting ready to move just as soon as it had been checked over etc.  Lots of little things like that as well as some personal things.


Eventually, after a few "dates" we became an official couple.  I was so happy, he was lovely.  He was probably the first boyfriend I'd ever really opened up to.


As my boyfriend, Jason had to meet my friends.  We went for a wee night out so everyone could meet each other.


Long story short: they didn't like him.  At all.


Jason stayed at my house that night (he lived in Fife and had missed the last train home).


The next day we watched films and ate Chinese food.  It was so relaxed and not like anything I'd ever had before.


Jason had to go home so I walked him to the bus stop.  Whilst we were waiting at the bus stop, he got a phonecall from his Mum telling him that his Dad and her had had a fight.  A fight that had ended in violence.


Obviously I wasn't going to let him to back to that so I said he could stay with me for a couple of days until things had settled down.


When he went home they were still fighting.  He stayed at a friend's house for a day then came back to my house.  This all happened within a month of us dating.


I had surgery at the end of May.  Not serious surgery but still relatively stressful surgery.  When I got home, I discovered a present waiting for me.  Jason had gone into town and bought me a t-shirt I had liked for ages but couldn't afford.  It's a small gesture to some people but it's the nicest thing any guy has ever done for me and it still makes me smile to this day.  He looked after me for a whole week.  (Quick point - previously, I dated someone who told me I wasn't "allowed" to talk about how ill I was feeling or "go on about" being in pain.)


We did the "I love you" thing far too quickly.  Those 3 words only ever lead to disaster.


Summer passed.  It was pretty manic.  Jason's Grandmother passed away.  She lived in a 3 storey farm house in England.  She had left Jason the house and the 3 acres of land surrounding it.  The land was valued at £20million.  Companies started bidding for the land.  Jason told the family lawyer to accept one company's offer of £30million.  (There are a lot of details her that I won't divulge, they aren't necessary for my story and some are quite personal.  Plus, I'm trying to keep this short for the poor sod who actually reads this!)


Basically, lots of phonecalls with the lawyer, lots of talking, lots of promises.  We opened a joint account and started looking for somewhere of our own.


Yes, you could have argued it was too soon but it's very easy to get caught up in the excitement of it all.


Jason told my Mother than she could quit her job and would never have to work again.  We went on house viewings and I packed up most of my things ready to move.


Something went wrong.  Jason's Mum was sick.  It was terminal.  He had to go down to England right away to see her.


There are many ins and outs as to why I didn't go down that are too complicated to go into.


Jason left for England.  That was the last I heard of him for 3 days.


I had no idea what was going on.  I was worried something had happened but part of my mind had begun to question things.  The seed of doubt had been sown.  I wanted answers.


I tried to find a phone number for the house I thought he was staying at.  I had to get my Mum to phone because I was too nervous.  She phoned the number.  Jason's Grandmother answered.  My world crumbled.


The rest of that day is pretty hazy but to sum it up; nothing was true.  His Grandmother was still alive and well, as was his Mother.  The relationship between his parents was better than ever - there was never a fight or any violence.  He didn't own a car or a flat in Edinburgh.


It's a strange feeling, knowing you've been fooled.  Nothing in my life will ever compare to the humiliation of that day.  (I'm sure there's time for that to happen though!)


I chatted to Jason for a few hours that day.  He explained what had caused this to happen and how it was going to be dealt with.  Rather, he threw a pretty half-assed cop out of excuses at me until I eventually got the truth out of him.


The reasons behind his behaviour seemed plausible to me.  I believed his explanation and we decided to remain friends - having never connected with someone on that level before, I was clutching at straws, desperate not to lose something my lovestruck mind told me could be saved.


A month passed.  Jason had started a method of treatment which seemed to be helping.  We spoke nearly everyday.  I basically became his support network.  Big mistake on my part.


We pretty much started seeing each other again, although nothing was "official."  It wasn't the same, how could it be?

***

Part 2 coming up next: Still I have trouble with most days and nights.

*Name has been changed


[Today's title is from "The Dilemma" by You Me at Six]

What's the sense in anything? It's just one more goodbye.

Well, it's been a while! I think my resolution should be to update this more often!

So far this year I've pretty much been rediscovering myself (minds out the gutter people!).  I haven't felt like myself for a long time and I miss the person I was before summer.

I've been living the last few weeks in song lyrics, yes I am strange.  It's amazing how much you feel a song can relate to you though, or is that just me?  It has made me decide, that instead of numbering my posts, I shall now name them all after a song lyric that I feel sums up how I'm feeling at the time of writing said post.  I feel this is more appropriate as my blog title itself is a song lyric.

Anyway! I thought, as it's a New Year, new start and all that jazz, I'd have a confessions blog!  I tend to keep most of my emotions under lock and key and very rarely let my guard down.  However, on the advice of a friend, I thought after everything that happened last year, I should open up and see if that helps me feel more like me.  Whilst I probably won't be discussing a lot of what happened on here (public forum and all that) I could talk about my feelings and suchlike.  More of a way of getting it out and writing it all down so feel free to ignore and wait for baking posts!

So, here goes, it will be a bit rambley as I'm writing it as it comes into my head.  Apologies!

I'm a typical girl.  I like to pretend I'm not to be different.  I don't feel like I can be the same as other girls because I feel inferior to them.  I think I need something extra to make me stand out and make people like me.

I try to be what I think people will like.  I try to be "one of the lads" and be into sport and gaming and 'manly' films.  I hide the parts of me I think people won't like or the parts I don't think will make them like me "in that way."

Whilst I enjoy typical "boy things" like Star Wars, LOTR and films with a lot of loud noises ("LOUD NOISES!") as much as the next guy, let's face it, if I see a spider I scream like a girl.  I cry at films, I steal boys' clothes so I can feel small all wrapped up in them, I'd love if a guy bought me flowers, I love cuddles and tiny animals make me squee.

I love musicals and know all the words to Hairspray and Rent.  I like little girly things and will never have enough make up.

And yes, I have my dream wedding all planned out.

I sometimes feel like I have 2 conflicting sides, my "lad" side and my girly side.  I seem to think people will never accept this about me so hide who I really am from people.  This usually ends up with me losing people I genuinely care about as I end up in the friend zone because they don't feel a connection.  This usually ends up with me blaming myself and putting my guard up more which really just makes things worse.

Whilst, in my head, I understand why my guard is up so much (as will my few close friends), most people don't, so have no clue why I act the way I act or realise why I'm so reluctant to share details about my myself.

I've also realised I never know what to say to someone when I like them.  I tend not to show the side of myself that my friends see as I worry about what said person will think.  I don't ask questions or talk about personal things as I worry I'll offend the person.  I almost see it as my friends are stuck with me, they signed the contract, the guy can choose to leave if he likes.  Probably not the best way to look at it really as me being this way usually causes them to leave!  Silly Anna.  I really do just need a good shake (again people, minds OUT the gutter.)

I have more but I feel I have bored you enough for today!  I've revealed a little about myself, my question to you is, do you have 2 sides?  Do you feel like you are yourself all the time?  Do you have one side for certain people and another side for others?

[Today's title is from the song "Imperfect" by Stone Sour.]