Thought I should do a little update post! So much has happened in the last couple of months that I don't even know where to begin!
Firstly, most important I suppose, I've stopped going to counselling. Stopped going at the end of April actually. I felt like it was making me feel worse than I already did. We didn't really discuss ways to help me deal with my panic attacks or how to get over what happened. Instead, we talked about who I am, how I act/think and other things along that same theme.
I felt she passed a lot of personal opinions and judgements about me which, as my counsellor, she had no place doing. Counsellors are supposed to remain neutral, I didn't feel she did that AT ALL.
She gave me one coping mechanism to help me during my panic attacks/flashbacks and, quite frankly, it was the worst idea anyone has ever had. Instead of helping it made them worse and actually resulted in a whole string of new nightmares - don't think I've had a full or peaceful night's sleep in about 2 months now, half the time I'm too scared of the dreams to sleep.
My, now former, counsellor suggested I talk to the guy I was seeing, due to the nature of and triggers that cause my panic attacks, it was likely to happen when he was around. She suggested that I talk to him (he already knew about the situation and had been really supportive about it) and ask if he'd help me find distraction techniques to prevent a panic attack from escalating. He was 100% willing to help and generally pretty awesome.
He ended things 3 days later.
Not going to lie, it was a major confidence knock for me. I'd never been that open with someone about my past for fear that they'd be unable, or unwilling, to deal with it and end up leaving and, in my opinion, that is EXACTLY what happened.
Since things ended I've pretty much stopped talking about what happened and stopped trying to deal with it. It's back in its box in my mind, lid pretty securely sealed.
It was the anniversary of what happened last month. I was a total mess. I just stayed in bed and cried all day. Not so healthy!
Over the past couple of months I've been trying to see more of my friends, going to the gym and generally getting fitter. I think I'm being more positive about things, I certainly feel a LOT happier than I did 2 months ago and the really scary thoughts/urges have definitely subsided. I'm also having to fake smiles much less often - they're now genuine smiles. I'm actually a relatively happy person right now.
I still have my moments though. I had a pretty major freak out earlier; seems I definitely haven't discovered all my triggers yet.
Tonight was slightly different, too. I may regret posting about this but everyone's busy tonight and I need to get it off my chest and out my brain! I've met this new boy and he's kinda totally amazing. Anyway, I'm supposed to be staying at his house on Thursday and I am absolutely terrified I'll end up having a panic attack or nightmare or something like that and freak him the f*ck out. He knows about the panic attacks but not the dreams, I don't think anyway. It's not something I'm ok with at all and I hate that, years later, I'm still dealing with what happened.
I guess I'm worried that he'll see me differently and walk away. I know what he'd say to me saying that but everyone else has said something similar and every single one has walked away - and even though he is NOTHING like any other boy, or person, I've ever known, it's still in the back of my mind.
The night terrors are worse than the panic attacks. Due to my counsellor's advice, not only do I relive what happened, I relive it but with the faces of different people - her advice was to picture someone I trust to help calm me down and hopefully make the flashbacks ease, it had the complete opposite effect - and I am so so worried that new boy (you know I hate using real names in my blog) will end up in my dream and, well, yeah, it ends up being unpleasant for both people when I wake up.
The aftermath of the nightmares are probably the main reason I don't really open up, share with, or sleep with (as in the literal sense, not anything dodge) the person I'm with, seeing someone have a panic attack or nightmare is bad enough! It's not something I'm comfortable with people seeing, even my closest friends. Quite often half my problem is that I end up panicking about having a panic attack which is really unhelpful!
Anyway! Sorry guys, not such a happy post from me tonight unfortunately. I'm baking on Thursday so I'll post up pictures of what I make to cheer us all up!
<3
P.S. If new boy sticks around for long enough I may do a nice post about him, we'll see ;)
[Title from Rumour Mill by We are in the Crowd]
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