I want to be the girl who deals with stuff well. The one who can go through anything and bounce back like nothing happened. That's the front I put up. That's who I pretend to be. Nonchalant, closed-off, independent and immune to any pain or hurt.
I'm not that girl. I've tried to be her for a very long time (years) but I just can't do it.
There was an incident between myself and someone I trusted with my life a very long time ago. I was a teenager, still in school, and didn't know how to deal with it and I had no-one I felt I could confide in about it so, naturally (for me anyway), I clammed up, put on a brave face and pretended everything was fine. I put the incident away in a box and it was never spoken of again.
Many years, more than my share of failed relationships, and one television advert later and I've finally admitted I need help.
By bottling it for so long, if anything, I've made it worse. It's built up over the years and has now manifested itself in every aspect of my life.
When I drafted this blog entry (around a month ago now), it was the first time I'd ever opened up and admitted that I'm not strong enough to get over this by myself.
I asked my GP for help and was treated appallingly. He didn't help in any way. He went to his computer, printed off a leaflet (all the while ignoring me) and sent me on my way. It's not exactly a shock there are thousands of people who don't ask for help if that's how they fear they'll be treated.
However, being the stubborn little chipmunk that I am, I refused to let his asshattedness (it's a word!) affect the situation more. I spoke to my PDT at uni and she has been beyond amazing.
My PDT arranged an appointment for me to be assessed by one of the university counsellors. I went 3 weeks ago and spoke to a lovely woman.
After a small chat (around 15 minutes or so) she decided counselling is something I definitely need. She's become my counsellor as she believes she has the best expertees to help me.
I had my first proper session 2 weeks ago. It lasted 50 minutes and after that I decided if I felt counselling was right for me - it is.
I felt (and still feel) very empowered and proud of myself for finally doing something about my issue and taking this step. Yes, it's taken a long time to do so but I'm ready now to do something about it and feel better about myself. *In Rafiki's voice* "It is time!" (I'm such a nerd!)
To anyone out there who feels no-one cares or no-one is willing to help - stop now. Seriously. There is someone out there who will go out of their way to get you the help you need. Never stop searching. You'll get there, we all will! (Ew, cheese much?!)
<3
[Title lyric from Spinning Days - Seth Lakeman.]
